Optimus Prime beats hairy spiders.

No I don't like scary movies. Why is that such a shock to you? Why don't you like Transformers? Why are you giving me a hard time about not liking horror movies? Let me tell you why I don't like horrifying terror films little hipster documentary watching, self-proclaimed film critic.

I don't like watching horror films because when I go pay $10 for entertainment, I don't want to want to sit for over two hours with high blood pressure and be sweating with anxious stress. I like to laugh when I go to the movies. I like to see 18 wheelers turn into robots that have the ability to turn their arms into guns and missile launchers, but choose to use hand to hand combat instead, preferably karate kicks. I like to see movies like Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Wedding Crashers. I do NOT like to watch people trapped in houses while murderers sneak around invisibly with butcher knives and hunt them down one by one just for kicks and giggles. I do NOT like to watch some huge half-wit with a ski mask and a chainsaw run around a farm that apparently has no cell service, and slaughter one attractive teenager after another. Why would I want to watch that? If I wanted to watch something unrealistic, I would go watch a multi-billionaire who lives in a fictional city and spends all night dressed as a ninja/bat to confuse the criminals he beats the lights out of and NOT some twisted, faceless little asian girl crawling out of a black and white analog TV. Really? Analog? If something supernatural were to happen out of a TV,

 it would be out of a flat screen.

LCD.

The reason I have an unmanly fear of spiders is because of the movie Arachnophobia. I watched that movie when I was around 10. The plot, in short, is a scientist goes to the jungles of South America for research and somehow the spider from hell hitches a ride back to midwestern suburbia. It then begins to reproduce and of course, they are all those 12 inch, hairy spiders that can take down a small dog. They take over a house and eventually the entire town. I don't remember how the movie ended, my nightmares usually end before that part, and I'm sitting up in my bed with a cold sweat and all the lights on because "I thought I saw something." To this day I have a serious fear of spiders. I can take care of one if I have to but instead of a shoe, I'll grab an old 800 page textbook and after slamming it on top of the demon spawn, I'll leave it there for at least a day for good measure.

Scary movies aren't even realistic. Pretty much every horror movie that's hit it big in the last 30 years could have been thwarted in real life with one well placed slug from a 12 gauge shotgun. Texas Chainsaw Massacre? One shell. All those Saw movies? One shell. If I want excitement then I'll watch Rudy. If I want my hear rate to elevated for 2 hours then I'll watch Boondock Saints. If I want some unrealistic entertainment then I'll watch Optimus Prime crow hop some Decepticons into next week.

Get em' Optimus.